I stopped deliberate restriction

I spent years in deliberate restriction and weight-loss habits. Those were real years, not a brief phase. I planned meals and portions around getting smaller.

After I stopped those habits, daily tension around food dropped. I only noticed how constant that tension had been once it eased.

What changed

I keep trying to describe what changed. I used to manage food to keep weight down. Now I eat enough to support strength and planned weight gain. That is more food than I allowed during the years of restriction.

For a long time I assumed I would only ease up later, after a target weight. I kept telling myself to keep restricting until then. I stopped that rule. I had been following it the whole time, still tense and waiting.

I will not pretend every day is like this. Some mornings the old restriction habits return. The default is different now. Planned weight gain is no longer something I argue myself out of at every meal.